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The transcript of the Looney Tunes cartoon The Scarlet Pumpernickel featuring Daffy Duck, Sylvester, Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, Henery Hawk, Melissa Duck, and Mama Bear.

Transcript

An aerial view of a movie studio zooms into a hallway

Daffy Duck (off screen): You’re killing me! I’m being murdered! I can’t take this torture any more! I’m dying! You’re killing me!

The scene fades to an executive’s office and we see Daffy Duck, pleading for his career

Daffy: I’m telling you JL, you’re type-casting me to death! Comedy, always Comedy! Ha ha, Hoo hoo! Hoo hoo! Yack yack! Honest, JL – you just gotta give me a dramatic part.

Daffy flutters his eyelashes at the executive and leans on his desk

JL (off screen): Well, I –

Daffy (jumping off the desk): I just knew you’d see it my way, JL! And it just so happens that I have with me the very script that we’ve been looking for.

Daffy pats a stack of paper almost as tall as he is

JL (off screen): Yes, but I –

Daffy (mutters): Lets see, now where to begin… oh yes! Page 1 (clears throat)

We see the cover page:

The Scarlet Pumpernickel, By: Daffy Dumas Duck

Daffy (reading): The Scarlet Pumpernickel by Daffy Dumas Duck. Chapter 1.

Daffy drops the first page and picks up the next page

Daffy: Once upon a time – great opening, huh? – Once upon a time…

New scene: The scene fades to a hunting scene in the country side.

Daffy (voice over): .. in merry old England there lived a daring young highway man known as the Scarlet Pumpernickel.

We see The Scarlet Pumpernickel (Daffy, masked and cloaked) riding away from a pursuing group of horseman

Daffy (voice over): The Lord High Chancellor’s men could never catch this handsome young desperado. For he was slippery as an eel and smart as a fox

The Scarlet Pumpernickel rides over a cliff and hides, upside down sitting on his horse.

The pursuing horseman ride over the edge of the cliff to oblivion

New scene – the castle of the Lord High Chamberlain (played by Porky Pig)

Daffy (voice over): The Lord High Chamberlain was simply furious

The Lord High Chamberlain: I’m eh, eh, simply furious

Daffy (voice over): But the Lady Melissa was simply delighted

Melissa: I’m simply delighted

Porky dashes up to her

Porky (angry): Keep away from that masked ban-ban-ban that masked stinker!

Daffy (voice over): But one day, the Lord High Chamberlain got an idea. He would marry Melissa to the Grand Duke. That would bring the Scarlet pumpernickel to town and foo-eet (Porky draws his finger across his throat)

Porky: Quick, a messenger!

A messenger enters

Porky: Take a letter to The Grand Duke

New scene – the castle of the The Grand Duke (played by Sylvester the Cat)

Sylvester (The Grand Duke) reads the letter and looks very pleased

The Grand Duke: First, I am happy, for I am to marry the fair Melissa. Then, I am furious, because I despise the Scarlet P- P- Pumpernickel

Daffy (voice over): Meanwhile, high in a tower room, the fair Melissa awaited her fate

Melissa: Oh, Scarlet, now we’ll never be married

SHe pulls a HUGE handkerchief from a box labeled ‘Giant size Wipex’ and cries into it

New scene: In the town

Daffy (voice over): As the wedding day approached, the Lord High Chamberlain’s men eagerly awaited the coming of the Scarlet Pumpernickel

We see the Lord High Chamberlain’s men hiding all over town and then we see a sign for “Ye King’s Nostril Inn”

Daffy (voice over): And at this time, at an inn near town, a weary young traveller has just alighted from the Dover coach

The Scarlet Pumpernickel, disguised as an elegant young fop of a nobleman, alights from the coach and approaches the Inn Keeper, who is played by Elmer Fudd

The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): How is your cuisine and your good wine, my foul feral of a peasant

Innkeeper: Oh, Mr Nobleman, you honor my humble wodgings (lodgings)

The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): Yes, they are humble, aren’t they!

Daffy takes snuff, then sneezes madly while bouncing all over the courtyard. He recovers, as if nothing happened.

The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): My room bumpkin. I’m pooped

Change scene: The movie executive’s office

Daffy has a swirl of pages he has read around his feet

JL (off screen): Ya, ya – then what?

Daffy (gasping a little as he has been talking for a while): Then, then – Page 192… That night Milord Chamberlain receives a noble visitor

The scene fades back to olden days in England. The disguised Daffy stands talking to the Lord High Chamberlain

The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): The lady, the fair Melissa, is indisposed, milord?

The Lord High Chamberlain: Er, no, your grace, but she wishes to see no one until after the wedding

The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): Vanity, thy name is woman, to coin a phrase

The Grand Duke (Sylvester the Cat) enters

The Grand Duke: The wedding must take place tonight, my lord! That Scarlet Pumpernickel is about. Masquerading as a gentleman!

Sylvester swings around to face Daffy

The Grand Duke: And who might you be, sirrah?

The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): Mayhap, perchance, foppish as I am, I might be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?

The Grand Duke: You? The Scarlet Pumpernickel?

Sylvester and Porky laugh so hard they have to hold each other up

The Grand Duke: Thats silly! Thats ridiculous!

Daffy wiggles his eyebrows at the camera, having fooled them

Sylvester and Porky talk as they leave the room. Daffy listens hard as they talk

The Lord High Chamberlain: I shall have Melissa make ready milord. The wedding will take place immed- immm- right away

Daffy: This looks like a job for The Scarlet Pumpernickel!

New scene: back at the Inn

Daffy changes, behind a dressing screen, into his Scarlet Pumpernickel disguise, then jumps out the window to land on his horse. He misses and lands hard on the ground.

Daffy (bedraggled); Thats funny – that never happens to Errol Flynn

Daffy mounts his horse and gallops away

New Scene: A church, with large crowd lining the aisle. “Here comes the Bride” plays as Melissa is led sobbing up the aisle by Porky Pig

Porky: Hush now, milady. Don’t be a little fool.

The Scarlet Pumpernickel gallops across the landscape

Scarlet Pumpernickel: Woah!

The sudden stop makes him fly off the horse and crash into a stone wall

Daffy looks up at the high windows of the church and then opens a small box labeled “Ye Little Olympic High Jumper”. He removes a shiny pin from the box, sticks it into his own backside and jumps high enough to reach the very high up windows. He flies into the church and lands, hard, in the middle of the aisle

Daffy: I’ll have to check with Errol

Melissa sees Daffy, screams and runs towards him

Melissa: Help! You gotta save me!

Melissa grabs Daffy and runs out of the church with him

Melissa: Help! You gotta save me!

Daffy (to camera, yiddish tone): So what’s to save?

Change scene – the movie executive’s office

Daffy is surrounded by a large pile of pages he has read

JL (off screen): Yeah, yeah, then what happens?

Daffy (gasping after all the reading): then … page 1656 . Back at the inn…

The scene segues back to England.

Melissa is seated on a stool and Scarlet is kissing her hand

Melissa: Ohhhhhh, Scarlet!

Scarlet: Parting is such sweet stuff, but you will be safe here, m’beloved

Daffy runs to the window and jumps out. He falls a long way, but rather than crashing, a little parachute opens, lowering him gently to the ground

Daffy: Here’s a wrinkle Errol never thought of

New scene:

A group of horsemen rush through the night. They stop and we see the Grand Duke Sylvester walking away from his horse

The Grand Duke: I must refresh myself before continuing with the chase

He enters an Inn

The Grand Duke: Innkeeper!

There is no answer

The Grand Duke: INNKEEPER!

From the top of the stairs, Melissa spies Sylvester and turns and runs away, but Sylvester has seen her.

The Grand Duke: So, Melissa! Trifle with me, will you, milady?

Sylvester runs after Melissa. Catching up with her, we see him laughing evilly and slowly closing a door behind him. Melissa cowers in a corner

Melissa: Keep away from me!

Sylvester laughs menacingly and approaches her while Melissa beats on the wall in classic heroine frustration

New scene:

Outside the inn, lightning flashes and the Scarlet Pumpernickel can hear Melissa’s cries. He stands on a nearby tree, with a rope in hand to swing to the inn.

Scarlet: Coming, Melissa!

He swings on the rope to the inn, but misses the window and breaks straight through the wall. He falls to the floor, dazed.

The Grand Duke: The Scarlet P- P- P- Pumpernickel!!!

The Grand Duke Sylvester leaps to the attack

The Grand Duke: En garde!

Hero and Villain stand, cheek to cheek, swords crossed.

Scarlet: Haha! You don’t stand a chance! I’m the hero of this picture and you know what happens to the villain!

The Grand Duke (yiddish tone): So what’s to know?

They step apart and have the obligatory sword fight

Melissa cries out in fear as we see the shadows of them fighting

Change Scene: The movie executive’s office

Daffy is almost buried in the pile of pages of his movie script

Daffy: Fight! Fight! Fight!

JL (off screen): and then what? Then what happened?

Daffy (almost exhausted): Yeah, yeah – and then what happened? Oh, oh – the storm broke in all its fury!

Change Scene: the Inn.

Rain falls and lightening crashes.

Daffy (voice over): Then the dam broke

We see water rushing down the valley

JL (off screen): Yeah, yeah – then what happened?

Daffy (voice over): The cavalry rode to the rescue

We see a group, swords held high the only thing protruding from the water, move by us

Daffy (voice over): But they were a little too wet

JL (off screen): Then what??

Daffy (voice over): The volcano erupted! and threw lava over everything in sight

JL (off screen): Yeah, yeah – then what happened?

Daffy (voice over): The price of foodstuff skyrocketed

Picture of a plate of a small amount of food on a plate, marked at $1000 each

JL (off screen): Is that all?

Daffy exhausted, crawls out from under the pile of pages.

Daffy (disbelief): Is that all?!?

Daffy (voice over): There was nothing for the Scarlet Pumpernickel to do. but blow his brains out, which he did.

Daffy pulls a gun from a pocket, points it at his head, then fires.

Daffy: It's getting so you have to kill yourself to sell a story around here!

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