An aerial view of a movie studio zooms into a hallway
Daffy Duck (off screen): You’re killing me! I’m being murdered! I can’t take this torture any more! I’m dying! You’re killing me!
The scene fades to an executive’s office and we see Daffy Duck, pleading for his career
Daffy: I’m telling you JL, you’re type-casting me to death! Comedy, always Comedy! Ha ha, Hoo hoo! Hoo hoo! Yack yack! Honest, JL – you just gotta give me a dramatic part.
Daffy flutters his eyelashes at the executive and leans on his desk
JL (off screen): Well, I –
Daffy (jumping off the desk): I just knew you’d see it my way, JL! And it just so happens that I have with me the very script that we’ve been looking for.
Daffy pats a stack of paper almost as tall as he is
JL (off screen): Yes, but I –
Daffy (mutters): Lets see, now where to begin… oh yes! Page 1 (clears throat)
We see the cover page:
The Scarlet Pumpernickel, By: Daffy Dumas Duck
Daffy (reading): The Scarlet Pumpernickel by Daffy Dumas Duck. Chapter 1.
Daffy drops the first page and picks up the next page
Daffy: Once upon a time – great opening, huh? – Once upon a time…
New scene: The scene fades to a hunting scene in the country side.
Daffy (voice over): .. in merry old England there lived a daring young highway man known as the Scarlet Pumpernickel.
We see The Scarlet Pumpernickel (Daffy, masked and cloaked) riding away from a pursuing group of horseman
Daffy (voice over): The Lord High Chancellor’s men could never catch this handsome young desperado. For he was slippery as an eel and smart as a fox
The Scarlet Pumpernickel rides over a cliff and hides, upside down sitting on his horse.
The pursuing horseman ride over the edge of the cliff to oblivion
New scene – the castle of the Lord High Chamberlain (played by Porky Pig)
Daffy (voice over): The Lord High Chamberlain was simply furious
The Lord High Chamberlain: I’m eh, eh, simply furious
Daffy (voice over): But the Lady Melissa was simply delighted
Melissa: I’m simply delighted
Porky dashes up to her
Porky (angry): Keep away from that masked ban-ban-ban that masked stinker!
Daffy (voice over): But one day, the Lord High Chamberlain got an idea. He would marry Melissa to the Grand Duke. That would bring the Scarlet pumpernickel to town and foo-eet (Porky draws his finger across his throat)
Porky: Quick, a messenger!
A messenger enters
Porky: Take a letter to The Grand Duke
New scene – the castle of the The Grand Duke (played by Sylvester the Cat)
Sylvester (The Grand Duke) reads the letter and looks very pleased
The Grand Duke: First, I am happy, for I am to marry the fair Melissa. Then, I am furious, because I despise the Scarlet P- P- Pumpernickel
Daffy (voice over): Meanwhile, high in a tower room, the fair Melissa awaited her fate
Melissa: Oh, Scarlet, now we’ll never be married
SHe pulls a HUGE handkerchief from a box labeled ‘Giant size Wipex’ and cries into it
New scene: In the town
Daffy (voice over): As the wedding day approached, the Lord High Chamberlain’s men eagerly awaited the coming of the Scarlet Pumpernickel
We see the Lord High Chamberlain’s men hiding all over town and then we see a sign for “Ye King’s Nostril Inn”
Daffy (voice over): And at this time, at an inn near town, a weary young traveller has just alighted from the Dover coach
The Scarlet Pumpernickel, disguised as an elegant young fop of a nobleman, alights from the coach and approaches the Inn Keeper, who is played by Elmer Fudd
The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): How is your cuisine and your good wine, my foul feral of a peasant
Innkeeper: Oh, Mr Nobleman, you honor my humble wodgings (lodgings)
The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): Yes, they are humble, aren’t they!
Daffy takes snuff, then sneezes madly while bouncing all over the courtyard. He recovers, as if nothing happened.
The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): My room bumpkin. I’m pooped
Change scene: The movie executive’s office
Daffy has a swirl of pages he has read around his feet
JL (off screen): Ya, ya – then what?
Daffy (gasping a little as he has been talking for a while): Then, then – Page 192… That night Milord Chamberlain receives a noble visitor
The scene fades back to olden days in England. The disguised Daffy stands talking to the Lord High Chamberlain
The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): The lady, the fair Melissa, is indisposed, milord?
The Lord High Chamberlain: Er, no, your grace, but she wishes to see no one until after the wedding
The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): Vanity, thy name is woman, to coin a phrase
The Grand Duke (Sylvester the Cat) enters
The Grand Duke: The wedding must take place tonight, my lord! That Scarlet Pumpernickel is about. Masquerading as a gentleman!
Sylvester swings around to face Daffy
The Grand Duke: And who might you be, sirrah?
The Scarlet Pumpernickel (disguised as fop): Mayhap, perchance, foppish as I am, I might be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
The Grand Duke: You? The Scarlet Pumpernickel?
Sylvester and Porky laugh so hard they have to hold each other up
The Grand Duke: Thats silly! Thats ridiculous!
Daffy wiggles his eyebrows at the camera, having fooled them
Sylvester and Porky talk as they leave the room. Daffy listens hard as they talk
The Lord High Chamberlain: I shall have Melissa make ready milord. The wedding will take place immed- immm- right away
Daffy: This looks like a job for The Scarlet Pumpernickel!
New scene: back at the Inn
Daffy changes, behind a dressing screen, into his Scarlet Pumpernickel disguise, then jumps out the window to land on his horse. He misses and lands hard on the ground.
Daffy (bedraggled); Thats funny – that never happens to Errol Flynn
Daffy mounts his horse and gallops away
New Scene: A church, with large crowd lining the aisle. “Here comes the Bride” plays as Melissa is led sobbing up the aisle by Porky Pig
Porky: Hush now, milady. Don’t be a little fool.
The Scarlet Pumpernickel gallops across the landscape
Scarlet Pumpernickel: Woah!
The sudden stop makes him fly off the horse and crash into a stone wall
Daffy looks up at the high windows of the church and then opens a small box labeled “Ye Little Olympic High Jumper”. He removes a shiny pin from the box, sticks it into his own backside and jumps high enough to reach the very high up windows. He flies into the church and lands, hard, in the middle of the aisle
Daffy: I’ll have to check with Errol
Melissa sees Daffy, screams and runs towards him
Melissa: Help! You gotta save me!
Melissa grabs Daffy and runs out of the church with him
Melissa: Help! You gotta save me!
Daffy (to camera, yiddish tone): So what’s to save?
Change scene – the movie executive’s office
Daffy is surrounded by a large pile of pages he has read
JL (off screen): Yeah, yeah, then what happens?
Daffy (gasping after all the reading): then … page 1656 . Back at the inn…
The scene segues back to England.
Melissa is seated on a stool and Scarlet is kissing her hand
Melissa: Ohhhhhh, Scarlet!
Scarlet: Parting is such sweet stuff, but you will be safe here, m’beloved
Daffy runs to the window and jumps out. He falls a long way, but rather than crashing, a little parachute opens, lowering him gently to the ground
Daffy: Here’s a wrinkle Errol never thought of
A group of horsemen rush through the night. They stop and we see the Grand Duke Sylvester walking away from his horse
The Grand Duke: I must refresh myself before continuing with the chase
He enters an Inn
The Grand Duke: Innkeeper!
There is no answer
The Grand Duke: INNKEEPER!
From the top of the stairs, Melissa spies Sylvester and turns and runs away, but Sylvester has seen her.
The Grand Duke: So, Melissa! Trifle with me, will you, milady?
Sylvester runs after Melissa. Catching up with her, we see him laughing evilly and slowly closing a door behind him. Melissa cowers in a corner
Melissa: Keep away from me!
Sylvester laughs menacingly and approaches her while Melissa beats on the wall in classic heroine frustration
Outside the inn, lightning flashes and the Scarlet Pumpernickel can hear Melissa’s cries. He stands on a nearby tree, with a rope in hand to swing to the inn.
Scarlet: Coming, Melissa!
He swings on the rope to the inn, but misses the window and breaks straight through the wall. He falls to the floor, dazed.
The Grand Duke: The Scarlet P- P- P- Pumpernickel!!!
The Grand Duke Sylvester leaps to the attack
The Grand Duke: En garde!
Hero and Villain stand, cheek to cheek, swords crossed.
Scarlet: Haha! You don’t stand a chance! I’m the hero of this picture and you know what happens to the villain!
The Grand Duke (yiddish tone): So what’s to know?
They step apart and have the obligatory sword fight
Melissa cries out in fear as we see the shadows of them fighting
Change Scene: The movie executive’s office
Daffy is almost buried in the pile of pages of his movie script
Daffy: Fight! Fight! Fight!
JL (off screen): and then what? Then what happened?
Daffy (almost exhausted): Yeah, yeah – and then what happened? Oh, oh – the storm broke in all its fury!
Change Scene: the Inn.
Rain falls and lightening crashes.
Daffy (voice over): Then the dam broke
We see water rushing down the valley
JL (off screen): Yeah, yeah – then what happened?
Daffy (voice over): The cavalry rode to the rescue
We see a group, swords held high the only thing protruding from the water, move by us
Daffy (voice over): But they were a little too wet
JL (off screen): Then what??
Daffy (voice over): The volcano erupted! and threw lava over everything in sight
JL (off screen): Yeah, yeah – then what happened?
Daffy (voice over): The price of foodstuff skyrocketed
Picture of a plate of a small amount of food on a plate, marked at $1000 each
JL (off screen): Is that all?
Daffy exhausted, crawls out from under the pile of pages.
Daffy (disbelief): Is that all?!?
Daffy (voice over): There was nothing for the Scarlet Pumpernickel to do. but blow his brains out, which he did.
Daffy pulls a gun from a pocket, points it at his head, then fires.
Daffy: It's getting so you have to kill yourself to sell a story around here!