Henery, baby chicken hawk (leans on tin can): Ahhhh! I ain’t so little
Father chicken hawk: I’ve told you Henery! Why you are too little to hunt chickens with me
Henery: You mean on account of what you were telling me of how chickens are great big monsters?
Henery: They got big sharp teeth and they live in caves?
Father: That’s right
Henery: (afraid) They fight like demons?
Henery: Well, what are we waiting for, lets go and get some
Father: You’re not going! And that’s that!
Father walks away
Henery: A fine thing – I’m a chicken hawk and I’ve never even seen a chicken. Well, I’m gonna get my first chicken today and that’s that
Henery walks off scene
Father chicken hawk hides behind the brick fence of the entry to Ferndale Farms. Sign advertises “Poultry and Eggs”
Father (to audience): I hated to tell Henery falsehoods about chickens but a kid would only be in my way
He approaches hen house and looks through knothole. We see chickens on laying boxes through the knothole
Father (to audience): You’ll probably hate me for what I’m gonna do, but after all I am a chicken hawk.
Father Chicken Hawk enters chicken house
chickens shriek and scream in response
Father Chicken Hawk drags apparently dead chickens across barnyard.
Foghorn approaches. Father Chicken Hawk attempts to hide the chickens behind his back
Foghorn: Unhand those fair barnyard flowers! What’s goin’, I say, What’s going on here?
Foghorn (interrupts): Don’t stand there with your beak open. Say something! Explain yourself. Your tongue is flapping but no noise is coming out of your big mouth. Now get out and stay out!
Foghorn kicks Father Chicken Hawk across the barnyard. Henery approaches father
Henery: Heya, was that a chicken, pop?
Father: A chicken? Of course not. D’you think I’d let a chicken do that to *me*? That’s just a Loud Mouthed Schnook
Father Chicken Hawk walks away
Henery (rubs chin); A schnook? Well I’m not after schnooks. I’m after a chicken.
Henery walks past Foghorn
Foghorn: Looka here son, I say son, did you see that hawk after those hens? He scared them, that Rhode Island Red turned White then Blue. Rhode Island. Red, White and Blue – that’s a joke son. A flag waver. You’re built too low. Fast ones go over your head.
Henery is irritated and walks in circles
Foghorn: You got a hole in your glub. I keep pitching them and you keep missing them. You gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. Eye ball. Almost had a gag son. Joke that is.
Henery walks away
Henery: Schnooks is sure noisy things.
Henery approaches dog house. We hear snoring from within
Henery: Hey, this must be a chicken’s cave … (afraid) Gosh, listen to that monster! Sounds like an awful big chicken!
Henery picks up big hammer
Henery: This’ll bring him down to my size!
Henery enters dog house. We hear the sound of a big *BANG* Henery emerges, carrying dog, with huge lump on dog’s head.
Foghorn sees dog, full length, moving across ground as if by magic as Henery is hidden beneath him
Foghorn: Now there, I say, there’s a strange means of locomotion
Foghorn rubs chin and picks dog up by tail to reveal Henery
Foghorn: What’s the, I say son, what’s the gimmick, what’s it all about?
Henery: I just caught myself a chicken.
Foghorn: Chicken? hahaha, I say, hahaha, That’s no, I say, that’s no chicken, son. I’m a chicken. Rooster that is.
Henery: Don’t give me that. You’re not a chicken!
Foghorn: What am I then boy?
Henery: You’re a Loud Mouthed Schnook.
Foghorn: Looka here, son, I’m no loud mouthed schnook. This is a dog (hits the still unconscious dog) not a chicken. Chickens don’t look like dogs (kicks dog) Who told you this was a chicken, son? (backslaps dog) (to audience) nice boy but doesn’t listen to a word you say. (Dog wakes up) You got a bum steer, son. I’m a chicken not a schnook (dog moves behind foghorn) You’re wrong, son (dog kicks foghorn, hard, from behind)
Dog: (snaps fingers under foghorn’s nose): Schnook!
Henery (with “see?” attitude): Schnook!
New scene, at barn
Foghorn: Pay attention boy. You know roosters crow at sunup. Watch me and I’ll prove I’m a chicken. Rooster that is.
Foghorn pulls a string and a yellow paper circle labelled “sun” comes up from behind the barn half-door. Pastoral music plays. Foghorn crows. Henery walks away, unimpressed. Foghorn looks around surprised that Henery is gone
Foghorn sees sign saying ‘Schnook’. Kicks it away
Foghorn sees sign saying ‘Loud Mouth’d That is’. Kicks it away
Foghorn: I gotta straighten this lad out. Thing like this could warp his mind for life.
Foghorn looks shocked as a trunk appears, sliding across the ground.
Henery is pushing the trunk
Foghorn: you’re way off, I say, you’re way off this time son! You caught yourself a trunk!
Foghorn, aside, to the audience: Nice kid, but a little dumb.
Foghorn opens trunk. Dog is revealed inside. Foghorn doesn’t notice him
Foghorn (inadvertently hitting dog): This is no chicken, son, its a trunk. Big salt case that is (hits dog more, without noticing him) This is a trunk, boy!
Dog growls at Foghorn, Foghorn finally notices him and runs away to barn. Foghorn looks around, then climbs a ladder. Dog is already at top of ladder and rams a watermelon on his head as he reaches the top.
Foghorn: Some days it don’t pay to get out of bed.
Dog walks away. Foghorn sits, with watermelon completely on head, feeling sorry for himself.
Foghorn shows picture of roast chicken on platter to Henery and points, to compare picture to himself. Foghorn gets a huge platter and lies down in roast chicken position.
Henery: Still trying to prove you’re a chicken, eh?
Foghorn nods agreement
Henery walks away, Foghorn taps his fingers in frustration
Foghorn notices Henery carrying lit dynamite across barnyard and looks horrified
Foghorn: Don’t do it! I’ll get blamed for it!
Foghorn runs to intercept.
Henery reaches dog house, throws in dynamite and runs away
Foghorn rushes and dives into doghouse just before it explodes.
The smoke clears and we see the dog and Foghorn standing in the rubble, Foghorn holding the stub of the dynamite
Dog (furious): Why, you! take that! and that! And that! You good for nothing chicken!
Henery: Hey, he called you a chicken.
Foghorn: That’s what I been, I say, that’s what I’ve been telling you, boy. I am a chicken.
Henery hits Foghorn over the head with a shovel and drags him away by the toe
Henery (to audience): He talked me into it.
Foghorn (to audience): I’m just a loud mouthed schnook.
Henery: Chicken or schnook. In our oven, he’ll look good.